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Liebes Tagebuch,

eigentlich war gestern ein guter Tag. Eigentlich… ein Wort, das man laut meiner Mama nicht sagen soll, da es dem Satz, in dem man es verwendet, eine eindeutige Bedeutung nimmt. Es ist wie ein „aber“, ein „irgendwie lief es anders als geplant“, irgendwas scheint fraglich, nicht ganz klar. Ich höre dieses Wort ständig. Wo? In meinem Studio.

„Eigentlich ist Berta ganz anders.“ oder „Eigentlich nimmt Finn nichts von Fremden.“ oder „Eigentlich pinkelt Emma nicht in Wohnungen.“ oder „Eigentlich will Emil immer mit mir kuscheln.“

Das Wort „eigentlich“ wurde für mich also zu einem Wort, das mir zeigt, dass die Situation bei einem Shooting nicht vergleichbar ist mit anderen Situationen, die man mit seinem Hund erlebt. Es zeigt mir dabei aber keine Wertung. Ist das gerade gut, dass der Hund eigentlich anders ist oder ist es schlecht? Das ziehe ich allein aus dem Kontext. 

Tut zwar eigentlich nichts zur Sache, aber naja. Mich kurz fassen kann ich… echt nicht!!

Da haben wir also dieses bedeutungsschwere und gleichzeitig bedeutungslose Wort, das laut meiner Mama keine häufige Verwendung finden sollte. Und da ich immer brav auf Mama und Papa höre, benutze ich es ….PERMANENT. Und das Verrückte: Oft weiß ich selbst nicht, ob es eine Situation für mich gerade gut macht oder schlecht. Warum man es in meinem ersten Satz findet, weiß ich allerdings: es machte den Tag schlechter.

Also nochmal von vorne (ich hoffe du hast Zeit mitgebracht, liebes Tagebuch, nimm dir ‚ne Coke, Schoki und lehne dich zurück):

Eigentlich war gestern ein guter Tag. Uneigentlich war gestern ein guter Tag. Denn ich war nach wochenlanger Warterei endlich mal wieder beim Friseur. Mädels, die schon mal wie ich unzufrieden und unglücklich aus einem Friseurladen herausspaziert sind, wissen, WIE SEHR man sich nach einem neuen Termin bei einem neuen Friseur sehnen kann. Ich wartete 6 Wochen bis es bei dem neuen Friseur und auch bei uns passte (Oli musste währenddessen Zuhause sein). Als Oli dann gestern von der Arbeit kam, bin ab nach Koblenz. Nur ich, kein Oli und vor allem keine Hunde. Und ZACK… da erhält das Wort „eigentlich“ in meinem ersten Satz plötzlich seine Daseinsberechtigung.

Seit Nico am 26. Januar bei uns eingezogen ist bin ich zur Fast-Vollzeit-Hundemutti mutiert. Emmy, Luke und Patch waren es gewohnt alleine zu sein. Sie mussten es auch einfach können, als ich noch angestellt war. Und wenn man Hunde hat, die damit keinerlei Probleme haben, dann nutzt man es entsprechend: Einkaufen, Freunde treffen, Termine machen… Alles gar kein Problem. Deswegen extra abstimmen mit dem Partner? Nicht unbedingt immer notwendig. Manchmal war man ja auch zu zweit unterwegs. Ja gut, eine bestimmte Stundenzahl wurde dabei nie überschritten und wir achteten schon immer darauf, es nicht unnötig in die Länge zu ziehen, das alleine lassen, aber alleine waren sie…. fast täglich.

So war ich zwar einerseits Hundemutti, aber ich war auch jemand anderes. Julia oder Lizbeth, die Shoppingwütige, die Imsupermarkttrödlerin, die Freundetrefferin, die Essensgeherin, die Ichmachauchmalwasmitmeinemmannweilermeinbesterfreundist…… es ließe sich unendlich fortführen.

Und dann kam Nico.

Ich stellte mich darauf ein, dass er, solange er uns als Pflegestelle brauchte, nicht alleine bleiben könnte und legte alle Termine der kommenden Wochen so, dass immer jemand Zuhause war. Meistens ich und wenn nicht ich, dann Oli oder meine Schwiegermama, meine Mama, meine Schwester, meine beste Freundin. Ich begann meinen Kalender voll auf die Hunde auszurichten. Das Haus verließ ich frühestens am Nachmittag, wenn Oli daheim war, obwohl ich sonst immer gerne alles schon am Vormittag erledigte. Oder meine Schwiegermama oder meine Mama kamen extra, um ihre Enkelhunde zu hüten. Nur solange Nico als Pflegehund bei uns war.

Nico blieb. Und die Fast-Vollzeit-Hundemutti auch.

In den letzten Wochen wurde ich regelrecht zu einer Helikopter-Hunde-Mutti. Tag und Nacht verbrachte und verbringe ich mit ihnen. Ich kümmere mich ums Futter, um die Medikamente, um Tierarztbesuche, merke sofort, wenn es einem der 4 nicht gut geht und wann jemand extra Streicheleinheiten benötigt. Ich bin jemand, der sich kümmert und sich statt Abendbrot gerne mal Gedanken und Sorgen um sie macht. Ich war immer schon so, aber die letzten Wochen hat sich das noch mehr verstärkt, oder sollte ich besser sagen verschärft?

Ich habe mich daran gewöhnt, meine Termine so zu legen, dass die Hunde nicht alleine bleiben müssen, obwohl das gar nicht mehr so notwendig wäre (da wäre mir doch fast ein „eigentlich“ in den Satz gehuscht), denn Nico könnte zusammen mit Emmy, Luke und Patch auch gut mal alleine bleiben. Könnte…. Ich spreche mich ständig mit irgendwem ab (meistens mit Oli, dann auch mehrmals, da er immer wieder vergisst, was ich gefragt oder gesagt habe… anderes SCHWIERIGES Thema….) und gehe nur noch aus dem Haus, wenn es für die Hunde passt.

Das wurde durch Emmys erneute Diagnose von Mastzelltumoren nicht besser und durch ihre OP vor 3 Wochen erst recht nicht. Die Wundheilung verlief schlecht und sie durfte nicht alleine sein, um die Heilung nicht noch mehr zu gefährden. Ich schlafe seit über 3 Wochen, seit der OP, mit den Hunden auf dem Sofa, weil ich Emmy da mehr im Blick habe. Selbst in der Nacht bin ich also nicht mehr so wirklich für mich und werde ständig wach um nach dem Rechten zu sehen.

Dadurch kam dann noch hinzu, dass ich, wenn ich denn das Haus verlassen habe, weil jemand anderes da war um auf die 4 aufzupassen, mich sehr getrieben fühlte. Entspannung war kaum möglich. Gedanklich war ich, bis auf die Zeit die ich mit meinen Shootings verbrachte, stets Zuhause. Und so ist es bis heute und das macht mich wahnsinnig.

Die Julia, die Shoppingwütige, die Imsupermarkttrödlerin, die Freundetrefferin, die Essensgeherin, die Ichmachauchmalwasmitmeinemmannweilermeinbesterfreundist sind derzeit alle nicht da. Die Lizbeth schon noch, denn die MUSS da sein, sie hat ja einen Job zu erledigen und tut das auch wahnsinnig gerne. Aber sie hat mit der privaten Julia nun mal nicht sehr viel am Hut. Bis auf das, dass es eine Person ist. Eine ganz unwesentliche Gemeinsamkeit….

Gestern also freute ich mich darauf, endlich mal was für mich machen zu können. Friseurbesuch, danach vielleicht noch ein bisschen bummeln, ein Eis, einfach durch die Stadt schlendern und irgendwann ganz gemütlich nach Hause fahren. Oli war ja bei den Hunden und dadurch waren sie BESTENS versorgt.

Der Plan klappte anfangs auch echt gut. Ich saß total entspannt mit einem leckeren Kaffee beim Friseur, hatte endlich mal wieder eine fähige und super sympathische Friseurin gefunden. Und dann fiel mir auf, dass ich es natürlich nicht zur allabendlichen Fütterung der Hunde schaffen würde. Ok, also schnell eine WhatsApp an Oli mit der Frage, ob er das bitte übernehmen könne (Warum überhaupt die Frage? Natürlich kann er das übernehmen!). Oli hat allerdings keine Ahnung, was wer bekommt, auch so ein Thema, wo nicht zuhören und nicht merken, einen Dauerbrennpunkt verursachen. Also alles ganz genau be- und geschrieben:

„Patch 110g von dem aus seiner Box + 70 g aus der braunen Tüte (insgesamt 170g). Luke 110g aus Emmys Box + 60g aus der braunen Tüte (insgesamt 160g). Emmy 60g aus ihrer Box + 70g aus der weißen Tüte (insgesamt 130g). Nico 140g aus seiner Box. Tabletten von Emmy aus ihrer Tablettendose und 1 Tablette für Nico (in Mittag).“

(Ja echt keine Ahnung, warum sich Oli das nicht merken kann….)

Hoffentlich macht er das richtig, Luke ist ja so empfindlich mit dem Magen. Hoffentlich gibt er alle Medikamente, wie es sein soll. Hoffentlich… Hoffentlich… Hoffentlich…

Da bemerkte ich schon eine leichte innere Unruhe. Beim Friseur hatte ich die aber dann doch noch sehr im Griff. Die nette Friseurin war die beste Ablenkung. Als ich dann hochzufrieden da raus bin und Richtung Stadt schlenderte, machte sich die innere Unruhe noch mehr bemerkbar.

Was wenn Oli wieder mal auf dem Sofa einschläft und nicht mitbekommt, wenn Emmy an ihre Wunde geht? Was wenn Oli vergisst, dass Nico ja öfter raus muss zum Pipi machen als die anderen 3. Was wenn… Was wenn… Was wenn…

Völlig bescheuert. Oli ist ein super Herrchen und kümmert sich perfekt um unsere Hunde, aber mein Vertrauen ihn ihn und seine Fähigkeiten als Herrchen sanken irgendwo hin in Richtung bodenlos. Ich zwang mich dann in ein paar Geschäfte. Ich hatte es mir doch so gewünscht, endlich mal für mich sein zu können, ein paar Stunden nur für mich zu haben und nun bin ich hier und halte es nicht aus? Ja, so war es und ich beendete die Bummelei vorzeitig und machte mich, schon leicht gefrustet, zurück Richtung Auto.

Zuhause habe ich oft das Gefühl, mir fiele die Decke auf den Kopf und wenn die Decke weg ist und mir eine freie Sicht auf den schönen Himmel gewährt, dann fehlt sie mir. Bekloppt, oder?

Zuhause angekommen dann die üblichen Fragen an das Herrchen:

Haben sie gefressen?

Jap!

Hat Emmy ihre Medikamente bekommen?

Jap!

Alle? Auch den Saft?

Jap!

Warst du mit Nico nochmal draußen?

Jap!

Und mit Emmy?

Ich war mit allen draußen!

Hat Emmy groß und klein gemacht?

Beides!

Sah ok aus?

Jap!

Wann war das?

Vor 2 Stunden!

Ok, dann geh ich nochmal mit ihr. Sie hat viel getrunken, bevor ich gefahren bin.

Ihr Verband ist noch dran. Alle Hunde wirken fit und munter. Ich frage aber besser nochmal…

Geht es allen gut?

Jap!

Emmy auch?

Emmy auch!

Ok….

Oli stellte übrigens auch eine Frage: Hast du nicht gesagt, du warst beim Friseur?

Darauf antwortete ich mit ihn anglotzen und Stille und ein klein wenig Fassungslosigkeit. Eine an sich ganz übliche Reaktion auf eine unnütze Frage seines Partners….

Anderes EBENSO SCHWIERIGES Thema!

Wohl fühlte ich mich gestern erst dann wieder, als ich mit Emmy nochmal draußen war, die Medikamentendose von ihr gecheckt habe (sooooorry Oli), geduscht habe (es war ja sooooo heiß) und mit Schlunzklamotten im Wohnzimmer saß, alle 4 Lieben (und Oli) um mich.

Und jetzt stelle ich mir folgende Frage, liebes Tagebuch:

Kann man zu sehr mit seinen Hunden verbändelt sein? Kann man sie zu wichtig nehmen? Kann man sich selbst vergessen und verlieren, wenn man ihnen zu viel Raum im Leben und im Innersten gibt? Kann aus einer gesunden Beziehung zu seinem Hund eine ungesunde Beziehung werden? Ist es schlecht und falsch, dass ich mich das frage? Kompensiere ich damit vielleicht sogar Stress, den ich bei und mit Lizbeth habe? Ist das Behüten und Betüddeln ein Ventil für irgendwas? Muss das so? Sollte das so? Ok, das war mehr als eine Frage. Antworten habe ich aber auf keine einzige.

Du darfst mich aber nicht falsch verstehen. Ich LIEBE meine Hunde und ich LIEBE es mit ihnen zusammen zu sein und ich bin unglaublich dankbar einen Job zu haben, der es mir möglich macht, wahnsinnig viel Zeit mit ihnen zu verbringen. Das ist ein Geschenk. Die Zeit mit meinen Hunden ist ein Geschenk.

Aber auch Abstand scheint wichtig zu sein. Zeit für sich selbst zu haben. Zeit für das, was einem neben der Hunde noch wichtig ist (ja, ich weiß, klein und unbedeutend im Vergleich, aber dennoch da). Zeit, die man ohne sich Sorgen zu machen und Ängste zu haben verbringt. Zeit, in der der Geist frei ist und der Kopf und man die Sicht auf einen schönen Himmel genießen kann. Zeit, die nicht in Minuten und Stunden bestimmt und gemessen wird. Zeit, die man sich einfach nehmen kann.

Wenn ich mir vorstelle mein Mann würde mich so einnehmen, hätte ich längst die Reißleine gezogen. Als es mir mit Lizbeth vor ein paar Jahren so ging, habe ich sie sogar gezogen, weil es mir kaum noch Luft zum Atmen ließ. Aber mit den Hunden ziehe ich die Leine durch anstatt sie zu reißen.

Ich hätte niemals gedacht, dass der Unterschied zwischen „ich muss die Hunde auch mal alleine lassen können“ und „ich kann die Hunde auch mal alleine lassen, muss aber nicht“ so krass sein würde.

Der Besuch beim Friseur gestern hat mir gezeigt, dass ich ein Problem habe. Ich kann nicht sagen, welches genau und ob es bedeutend oder unbedeutend ist. Aber gestern fühlte ich mich nicht gut damit und deswegen schreibe ich dir davon.

Getreu dem Motto „Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung“ habe ich mich heute früh zum Blumenladen, zu Oma auf den Friedhof und zum Netto „getraut“, obwohl die Hunde in der Zeit ALLEINE waren. An der Kasse war so eine bummelige (langsame) Frau vor mir. Das machte mich kurz gribbelig, weil mein Kopf die nächste Kopf-Kino-Vorschau einspielte (Emmy knabbert den Verband ab, Nico knabbert den Verband ab, Patch knabbert Blumen.. Hab ich alle weggestellt?…). Aber ich zwang den Vorhang sich im Eiltempo wieder zu schließen und dachte nicht weiter darüber nach. (Tosender Applaus im Kinosaal)

Zuhause angekommen warf ich dennoch erstmal alles in die Ecke und checkte die Vollständigkeit der Verbände und der Blumen. Es war natürlich alles gut.

Ich muss lernen, mich zu lösen. So sehr ich sie liebe, so sehr ich die Zeit mit ihnen liebe, muss ich wieder lernen, mich von ihnen zu lösen.

Die ganzen Gedanken, all die Ängste und Sorgen um sie, die ich mir gerade in den letzten Wochen machte und auch teilweise machen musste, sind mittlerweile nun mal meistens völlig unnütz und sie tun mir nicht gut.

Ich bin eine tolle Hundemutti, weil ich es gerne bin, aber ich bin auch einfach Julia, Lizbeth, die Shoppingwütige, die Imsupermarktbummlerin, die Freundetrefferin, die Essensgeherin, die Ichmachauchmalwasmitmeinemmannweilermeinbesterfreundist…. Und die muss ich alle bald wiederfinden. Denn ich vermisse sie. Schließlich sind sie ein Teil von mir, wie auch meine Hunde ein Teil von mir sind. Ich muss irgendwie wieder einen Weg finden, auf dem sie alle Platz und auch Zeit haben.

So liebes Tagesbuch, suuuuuper lange Rede, uuuuunglaublich kurzer Sinn: Eigentlich war gestern ein guter Tag, hätte ich ihn doch nur einfach mal genießen können, indem ich mir nicht selbst im Weg gestanden hätte. Tja, mit einem Satz wäre alles gesagt gewesen. Aber das wäre ein ganz schön ödes Tagebuch und ich habe dir ja schon (ganz lieb) angedroht: du wirst mich kennenlernen.

Heute als verrückte Fast-Vollzeit-Hundemutti. Ich vermute auch, das war nicht das letzte Mal, dass du sie kennengelernt hast. Verrückt zu sein ist als Hundemutti quasi meine Kernkompetenz und sonst irgendwie auch…

Danke fürs Zulesen, liebes Tagebuch.

Deine Julia

Dieser Beitrag hat 332 Kommentare

  1. Christine Bangsow

    Wie schön, ich bin nicht die einzige total-verrückte-in-ihre-Hunde-verliebte Hundemutti 🤣 Finde mich in deinem Text 1:1 wieder. Es ist doch schön, wenn man einen Mensch (oder in diesem Fall 4 Hunde und einen Mensch) so lieben kann – mit Haut&Haaren, Tag&Nacht, beim Friseur, unter der Dusche, beim Garten gießen… 😊

  2. Michaela Gratias-Lecour

    Liebe Julia! Ich kann dich so gut verstehen. Aber genau wie schön sagst, Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung! 🙂
    Kleine Schritte, werde nicht zu ungeduldig mit Dir und lobe dich selber wenn du es ( wenn vielleicht auch nur für kurze Zeit) geschafft hast! Und ein Abend(essen) zu Zweit ist auch mal wichtig.
    Frau vergisst es leider oft, das da ja noch Jemand ist 😉
    Julia mit all ihren wunderbaren
    Facetten wird das rocken!!

  3. Cindy

    Unglaublich wie sehr ich mich in deinem Text wiederfinde. Ich kam mir einen kurzen Moment so vor, als würde ich heimlich in einem fremden Tagebuch lesen und nicht mehr von weg kommen können. ( Hab ich ja „eigentlich“ auch?!) Dieses Hin und Her gerissen sein, die wilden Gedanken. Das kenne ich sowas von gut. Ob es meinen Hund und meine Katze betrifft, oder auch meinen Mann und Schwiegervater oder meine Eltern… „Eigentlich“ auf alles bezogen. Es tut gut zu wissen, dass man mit solch einem vollen Kopf nicht allein ist. Weiter so, denn ich denke so ist das Leben und soll es sein. Denn nur wer denkt, kann auch handeln.

    Ganz lieben Gruß

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